Average

I dont go by the rules...

No white picket fence, no two kids and a dog, no house with blue shutters and a red door. I rather live in a one room apartment by myself with just two windows that look over the darkest alleys of the city. Many of you dont understand the person I am and thats okay because at this point I have learned to live with that. It may seem like I dont have my head on straight and that obviously shows that you know nothing. I am different in every aspect from the way I think to the way I love and the means of my hate.

I make a lot of mistakes in my life but I do not regret because at one point in my life I wanted it. I do analyze my life late at night when I can't sleep and wonder why certain things happen. I drink, I smoke and yes I enjoy it but I do not hate that I do it or want to quit. I like doing those things for fun and because I sometimes need a break from the stress life brings and that allows me to forget, although its temporary it helps me. Its not a weak thing for me to do because I do it for specific reason and when all is done I can breathe easier.

When I love someone whether its a friend or specific person I love with my soul not just my heart. I try and be the best friend I can, I give them the best of me not the side I show everyone else. Take it for granted if you want, push me to the side or leave me alone, I could care less after that point. I showed people more than once the things I am worthy of and what I can offer if its something you don't understand then we cant be in each others lives. I'll speak the truth because I care if you cant speak the truth to me what good is that?

I don't want to be another statistic in ANYONES eyes. Not society, the government, my friends, my so called family. I know what I have to do and although its not very clear to anyone that I do take my life serious I do. I have seen too many things and heard too many stories to allow myself to destroy my life. It may not happen in 2 years or 10 but I know that I will not be the average and I will go beyond my potential. Anyone can have plenty of reason to say I may never come around and that is perfectly fine but when I'm done I'll just smile at you and turn my back. I allow myself to feel lonely because Success is a SOLO mission. I am much to use to being alone so forgive me for pushing anyone away. If you dont understand I dont expect you to because I'm not average. So if you left me because you believe I have learn a little and grow up fast in this dying world you can stay far from me because you obviously expect something different from me.

I'll take my two or three friends everyone else doesn't matter, you put me as the past and I promise I'll remain that way.

I don't need a mansion two cars and a whole bunch of unnecessary money in the bank, when you're gone no one will remember you. Paper and pen, I'll create words that will live on forever and so will I. trust me I'm not the average girl.

You have to do stuff that average people dont understand because those are the only good things - Andy Warhol

Hate

I hate that you have this control over me
I have a concern over everything you do, every step you take, every person you talk to
As much as I try not to care about you I still do, I hate it
I care about your worst and best days even though neither one has to deal with me
I hate that you broke my heart and you still don't know it
How can I be in love with a person who has hurt me for so long
I hate that everytime you call I smile uncontrollably and everytime I miss your call I hope you answer mine
I hate that I'm so in love with you, as much as I try and convince myself to move on I can't
I hate myself... for letting you be the only person on my mind when I want happiness
I hate every drunken memory of you
I hate knowing one day you'll find someone and they'll be you're everything and that person won't be me and I'll just be happy for you
I hate that you're so beautiful and you don't even know it
I hate that I can't even hate you
Hate me and let me go.. I can't take this anymore...

Honest Words

Where to start, broken hearted to begin
I sing the music of honest bird
I waited for you to come around
Every moment hurt me more
I was bitter, and I am till this day
My heart knows no different... I just cant help it
I moved my feelings to the back of my mind but it always comes back
My heart is weak so I speak when it cries
Never knew I could endure so much at one time
I try to breathe easy... instead I tremble with every breath
Longing to see what the future brings, when will they see
I've been torn apart but its all my fault
Caring and loving people with possessed hearts
Everything is in the pit of my heart, I'm just waiting for them to escape
Now that you are gone I hope you are happy, and I wish you love.. real love
Everything has its time, my time has started and ended plenty of times
Moving on is hard to say and even worse to do
I'll lie and say I'm gone but my heart will always stay
Until the day it is ready to love again...
I am ashamed but no one is to blame
I'll pick up my head and run into the shadows where no one knows of me
There is nothing I can say to you, but goodbye.
I'm far now and no I won't go back this time not to either one
I've grown tired and I need to gain back my strength
Strong I'll remain and my pride is just as strong
But my heart needs a change
So now I'll smile and say there'll be better days...

Heart Of The Matter

there's no original video to this song but I'm in love with this song...

Tonight

I woke up tonight
Not from a dream but I woke up to life, now I just have to find myself. I don't know who I am.
I woke up in a cold world where most actions are selfish, people don't know how to grow out of their poor state of mind. They live in the past constantly and stay in childish ways. I need to be the person that learns and leaves cuz the person I was dug in old trash and never buried the past....

Nico

SCCC

Its been about 3 weeks since I have been out here.
Its been a good experience so far, I've realized some stuff. Yes in every college there is drinking smoking and partying... But the people you meet are more important. People forget that this is the next step to the rest of your life. Not everyone is just about getting high and drunk. I do my share of all this but at the end of the day I know I have to wake up the next morning and be ready for my classes. The work is no joke. I left the city feeling real lonely, feeling like the only reason I left for school was because I had no other choice. As the days pass I realize more things about myself, I've made a lot of mistakes this past year. I have tried to make understanding of all the things I chose to do and it was just stupidity.
I gained some people back in my life and I'm content with it =]. I don't feel pain anymore I just feel grateful. I don't need the world, I just need myself. Ok maybe I need some other people in my life but thats another story. I just started school there's still a whole year ahead of me I just hope I enjoy and make the best of this experience and opportunity...

P.S
I still miss Randolph some days... but only cuz I cant see some of my people
I'll be back tho =]