at a loss for words

i no longer have inspirtations
and no one reads this shit
so im off.. until maybe i have something interesting to say

Call

Where is the person that said they would always be there. I'm about to leave and I feel so lonely. I really just realized I have no one. I need someone to save me from my misery. I try and be happy but it does not seem to play in the cards for me. I dont know what to do anymore. Im tired of believing in people and having so much hope. I just wish I had someone again.

college in 5 days
dont even care anymore

Sober Mornings

All day I sit and think of everything you have put me through. I never had you not one day. I never felt you. I gave you my all. Tears, sweat, pain, my heart. And never did I feel you the way I wanted to. I always had doubt. The terrible pain in my stomach of disgust. I knew it was not true no matter how hard I tried to convince myself. Maybe I just have the wrong idea from you, maybe I'm not right.

But as I think of all I've given to you I drink until I just forget and everything is a big joke. I joke of the idea of you and how much you have betrayed me. The way you make me feel when at my best and the way make me feel when I'm at my worst. You're the worst type of high because when you are taken away from me I don't know how to function. So many times that I have given in to you and it just ends me in the same place... disaster. So I drink and think of it as a joke and I don't care at that moment because all you have brought me is pain and this liquor is the cure to my heartaches. I do and say what ever I want because it should not matter anymore...

The next morning I wake up with a terrible headache but the pain in my heart hurts more. Everything comes back, like it never left. I remember more and more and all that this drunk night has given me is a day of pain. This day after, all I do is lay and know how I will never forget you, because now that I have tried time and time again you will never leave. I know you oh too well, you have taken the best of me.

I wrote you this in hopes that I can move on from this phase. Maybe one day I can see you better but right now all I'm doing is destroying myself...

So goodbye Love, please find someone else...

Its Been A Year

Yesterday was a pretty good day, I woke up early and I felt very energized. I had a date at 2pm at BBQ's with a "friend". She's about 2o years older than me but I really like speaking to her because she always tells me about her experiences relating to what I am going through. I can speak to her with out her treating me as if I am too young to have a serious conversation. I feel good when I speak to her because its like a whole lot just comes out so easily and she corrects me if I am wrong and just supports me. She inspires me to be a better and stronger woman. She is very independent and sometimes I hope that I can be as strong willed and dominant as she is. I like the bond we have for so many reasons but most of all it is because she does not treat me like a child, she tells me about her life just as much as I tell her about my life. And although I only get these dates once a year its good enough for me because I know she will never forget me and I will never forget her. She has helped me a lot and I appreciate her more than she may know. I felt so fat after that burger. I dont think I would have even got up if it was not for her having somewhere to be. It was a good date and when we departed she told me to always keep in contact and that she loves me =]. When she said it I honestly felt like she meant it and I felt really good. She made my day. I don't think anyone has meant it as much as she did when she said it not even my own mother. I am forever grateful to have her in my life.

Well on my way home it started kicking in the "itis". I was getting so tired and I felt like I gained 10 pounds. Unfortunately I missed the grand "show" but it was corny so I did not miss much. The grub was well worth missing that corny act. I tried to speak to my tinkle monkey for as long as possible because I knew I was bound to fall asleep. But as soon as I hit my sisters bed with that AC blasted I was gone. But of course no one lets me sleep in this house they woke me up to find the chinese food menu -____- now these people I swear act like they are incapable of searching for things I swear. Of course I got up and found it and I went back to bed and called my huney and then I ate AGAIN! Some chicken wings with fries and lots of hot sauce. Then I fell asleep once again and woke up to put my mama to sleep and now I'm here. Hoping to get sleep and fall asleep at a decent time which never happens. So I listen to music till I fall asleep.

Current Playlist:
Hello - Beyonce
Broken Heart Girl - Beyonce
All I Want - Ahn Trio
Boston - Augustana
Hometown Glory - Adele
Lust For Life -Drake
Successful - Drake
I Need Her In My Arms - I Wayne
Who Am I To Say - Hope
The Heart Of The Matter - India Arie
No One Else - Amel Larrieux

Just a little something
night =]
Nico

Need to Get Out

I was looking through some shit. And just thinking all this is so stupid.

No matter what you do you are going to be surrounded by the same bullshit and most of the time its because people want to. I know who I want in my life and who I don't but the thing is sometimes the bullshit and other people that come with them I don't want. I have realized that if I just stay in the same place I'm just going to continue killing myself over the same dumb ass drama. I need to grow out of this childish phase and gain a better mentality on this thing called my life. Its all about my decisions and I feel like the best thing to do is get away. Get far and let loose of all things that I know I can no longer control. Nothing is going right for me at all. So I have made my decision. I'm going to go off to college and see where that goes. Then I'll go somewhere else and build a different life hopefully see myself in a better life and things will get better. For now I'll lay low and see what else life can hand to me.

Nico

So now I read...

Today was one of the most relaxing days I've had in a very long time

although I ended the night with so many thoughts in my head I felt relaxed

I started reading this book named the Time Travelers Wife... Oh man talk about a love story. I was interrupted by my mother so I continued to read while bathing in a tub full of hot water and bath oils.... Sounds so cornybut it was the best remedy for relaxing.

I have about 18-20 days left and I am a little anxious I'm not quite sure when I should leave but I know it's soon. I just want to figure things out. I know that if I'm gone and I come back and nothing has changed then I should just let everything go. If things change then I guess I'll just adapt to things. I'll see how things play out. For now I'll just wait.

I realized that my life sucks. The only real love I got is from my Chub Chub but that's doing fine... she's my true love =D

Kathlene <3

My Favorite Girl