In My Mind

This is for a little more understanding...

I'm tired, I feel drained from everything that I have put my heart into. I dont care if I have become an insensitive asshole but it is the best way. I am done trying with everyone and to everyone who reads or watches you know nothing. Not even the one person who I have been standing by for these past couple of months understands. This was one of the most difficult years for me and I still stood strong not letting anyones bullshit break me and not letting peoples words get me out of character. I started off the year bad and ended it bad also but it has not made me blind, I am well aware of what is going on and what is real. I stood by the two girls I loved the most this past year and I faught hard to try and show them I would still be there no matter what regardless of the stupidity that drove us apart. For the most part of this past school year I was under the judgement of people who knew absolutely nothing of the on going situation. I held my tongue and stood my ground because I knew that none of it would be worth it at the end of the day. It was all word of mouth and ALL of it was wrong. I did not steal no one from anyone. Blame yourself don't blame me. And all this talk about how much of a bitch I am and all the other shit that came with it is really funny cuz the real bitch was the one running around making scenes trying to convince the world of my wrong doings when it is you who made shit happen. And although all this happened I still never stooped down to anyones level and ran my mouth about your business as an individual or you in a relationship. I will give all of you the benefit of the doubt to say that I was the one that ruined shit and caused all this drama. I can give you that but honestly I dont give a fuck anymore. I have left randolph and just as you asked me I am leaving and not looking back. I can vouch for myself and say that I did like you and went for it because I felt like you deserved better and I could have been the person for you but obviously I wasn't close. In love with me is not the case, never was, never will be. In love with the idea that someone could treat you and make you feel the way I did is what happened. Atleast I know I showed you what you deserve. No one understands why I am the way I am... If you have never believed me when I said I don't care anymore believe me now when I say I don't give a fuck. The fact that people you have been with tell you that you treated them so well and they continue to chase after the person that treated them the worst is something that makes me hurt. Because you realize that you try and try for nothing because they still want the other person. Then the fact that you continue and tell me I want someone to treat me like you do makes me feel stupid cuz its almost like you know that I'm good but you still don't want to be with me... I guess I just need a dick smh... Point is no one understands the amount of pain a person endures when you want something so bad, so much that you fight everyday, give your everything for so long... to just end up with nothing. So its not being negative, its just me being real and not act as if the truth wasn't staring me in the face all this time I was just counting on hope. And as I look back at everything I thought I had something but I never did, not even a little a bit, not at all. Yes there is the fear of love, but it takes more to actually have the courage to love someone then to turn your back and act like love doesn't exist. I know I had what it took to love you, and to treat you well... No I can't take you here and there and I couldn't see you everyday. But my love could've been better than all that. But it just isn't what you or what anyone wants at this age cuz everything else seems much better or easier. As for me I'm done. I am moving on, and although I have been in love twice with girls that will never realize how much I loved them I will not let it kill me. One of you I barley speak to I don't know what will happen after I leave but just know that we went through a lot for these past years... it seems like we faught more for a friendship then we did to make us work. And now its like we faught for a friendship that barely even exist. And to you. All was said last night. "start fresh and don't look back" you I can honestly say took everything out of me. But don't feel bad and please forget me. Don't worry about me. I'll be gone before you know it and you won't have to worry about hearing about me again. I ment wat I said when I said I didnt have you in an any sense [friend,lover] nothing. And you can take it as you want. I know you won't understand, atleast not now.
In my mind I wish I could stop loving...
But my heart won't let me...

Home

Not here, not where I am use to

Somewhere that I can rest my head in silence

No words racing through my head

Where the memories no longer exist...

Where the words of ignorance and immature minds can no longer reach me

A warm place... a warm place at heart for just me because there is no one else

Where the shallow walls know of nothing but love and pride

Where no one knows of me but me

A place of calm

No worries of wandering eyes and ears

My escape...

Where I can cry real tears and no longer hold back so the rest of the world wont hear me

And even if I stay up all night while the whole world sleeps I can do it alone
and I can day dream of the past with no interruptions

But not here

Not where everyone can hear if one tear drops

Not where they can see the pain and misery you are going through

Not where even if you were to ask for love they'll turn their backs

Not where every little thing is a painful memory and there is no escape

But there is no escape..

Until the day I can follow the star on the dark horizon this will be home

Miss

The scent of warm vanilla on your skin
The smile that seems like it almost snuck up on you
Your fascination with nail polish and shoes
Your baby voice... it always made me give in
The warmth of your body
Your gentle touch...
The way you looked into my eyes
Your lips.. the way they felt against mine
Your fingers running through my hair as I laid on your stomach...
Watching you eat
Having you in my arms
Play fighting... and never letting you win
Our endless walks.... because we always got lost
Falling asleep to your voice
Waking up to your voice
Arguing with you, then making up because you're such a punk
That beautiful smile
The way you laugh...
Getting a call from you in the middle of the night
Calling you just to tell you how much I miss you
You digging in my dimple
The way you tried to pick my nose
Endless conversations about the most random things
Telling you how much I love you...