In My Mind

This is for a little more understanding...

I'm tired, I feel drained from everything that I have put my heart into. I dont care if I have become an insensitive asshole but it is the best way. I am done trying with everyone and to everyone who reads or watches you know nothing. Not even the one person who I have been standing by for these past couple of months understands. This was one of the most difficult years for me and I still stood strong not letting anyones bullshit break me and not letting peoples words get me out of character. I started off the year bad and ended it bad also but it has not made me blind, I am well aware of what is going on and what is real. I stood by the two girls I loved the most this past year and I faught hard to try and show them I would still be there no matter what regardless of the stupidity that drove us apart. For the most part of this past school year I was under the judgement of people who knew absolutely nothing of the on going situation. I held my tongue and stood my ground because I knew that none of it would be worth it at the end of the day. It was all word of mouth and ALL of it was wrong. I did not steal no one from anyone. Blame yourself don't blame me. And all this talk about how much of a bitch I am and all the other shit that came with it is really funny cuz the real bitch was the one running around making scenes trying to convince the world of my wrong doings when it is you who made shit happen. And although all this happened I still never stooped down to anyones level and ran my mouth about your business as an individual or you in a relationship. I will give all of you the benefit of the doubt to say that I was the one that ruined shit and caused all this drama. I can give you that but honestly I dont give a fuck anymore. I have left randolph and just as you asked me I am leaving and not looking back. I can vouch for myself and say that I did like you and went for it because I felt like you deserved better and I could have been the person for you but obviously I wasn't close. In love with me is not the case, never was, never will be. In love with the idea that someone could treat you and make you feel the way I did is what happened. Atleast I know I showed you what you deserve. No one understands why I am the way I am... If you have never believed me when I said I don't care anymore believe me now when I say I don't give a fuck. The fact that people you have been with tell you that you treated them so well and they continue to chase after the person that treated them the worst is something that makes me hurt. Because you realize that you try and try for nothing because they still want the other person. Then the fact that you continue and tell me I want someone to treat me like you do makes me feel stupid cuz its almost like you know that I'm good but you still don't want to be with me... I guess I just need a dick smh... Point is no one understands the amount of pain a person endures when you want something so bad, so much that you fight everyday, give your everything for so long... to just end up with nothing. So its not being negative, its just me being real and not act as if the truth wasn't staring me in the face all this time I was just counting on hope. And as I look back at everything I thought I had something but I never did, not even a little a bit, not at all. Yes there is the fear of love, but it takes more to actually have the courage to love someone then to turn your back and act like love doesn't exist. I know I had what it took to love you, and to treat you well... No I can't take you here and there and I couldn't see you everyday. But my love could've been better than all that. But it just isn't what you or what anyone wants at this age cuz everything else seems much better or easier. As for me I'm done. I am moving on, and although I have been in love twice with girls that will never realize how much I loved them I will not let it kill me. One of you I barley speak to I don't know what will happen after I leave but just know that we went through a lot for these past years... it seems like we faught more for a friendship then we did to make us work. And now its like we faught for a friendship that barely even exist. And to you. All was said last night. "start fresh and don't look back" you I can honestly say took everything out of me. But don't feel bad and please forget me. Don't worry about me. I'll be gone before you know it and you won't have to worry about hearing about me again. I ment wat I said when I said I didnt have you in an any sense [friend,lover] nothing. And you can take it as you want. I know you won't understand, atleast not now.
In my mind I wish I could stop loving...
But my heart won't let me...

Home

Not here, not where I am use to

Somewhere that I can rest my head in silence

No words racing through my head

Where the memories no longer exist...

Where the words of ignorance and immature minds can no longer reach me

A warm place... a warm place at heart for just me because there is no one else

Where the shallow walls know of nothing but love and pride

Where no one knows of me but me

A place of calm

No worries of wandering eyes and ears

My escape...

Where I can cry real tears and no longer hold back so the rest of the world wont hear me

And even if I stay up all night while the whole world sleeps I can do it alone
and I can day dream of the past with no interruptions

But not here

Not where everyone can hear if one tear drops

Not where they can see the pain and misery you are going through

Not where even if you were to ask for love they'll turn their backs

Not where every little thing is a painful memory and there is no escape

But there is no escape..

Until the day I can follow the star on the dark horizon this will be home

Miss

The scent of warm vanilla on your skin
The smile that seems like it almost snuck up on you
Your fascination with nail polish and shoes
Your baby voice... it always made me give in
The warmth of your body
Your gentle touch...
The way you looked into my eyes
Your lips.. the way they felt against mine
Your fingers running through my hair as I laid on your stomach...
Watching you eat
Having you in my arms
Play fighting... and never letting you win
Our endless walks.... because we always got lost
Falling asleep to your voice
Waking up to your voice
Arguing with you, then making up because you're such a punk
That beautiful smile
The way you laugh...
Getting a call from you in the middle of the night
Calling you just to tell you how much I miss you
You digging in my dimple
The way you tried to pick my nose
Endless conversations about the most random things
Telling you how much I love you...

Nature vs. Nurture

I've heard someone say that when a child is born if they are not hugged and kissed, held tight or even sang to, the child grows up not knowing how to love....

I know a few people who long for love and it's because they feel so neglected by the person or people who are suppose to love them unconditionally; their parents. I find it hard to understand how a mother can not show her child that she loves them. Especially knowing that their child depends on them on almost everything. That's where love starts. The love you are shown is the exact love you present to people. I think about my mother often and I try and think back to how she use to treat me as a child or even as I was in junior high school and I really don't remember. I try hard sometimes to think of times when she showed me true affection but not much comes to mind. The only thing I remember is how she treats me now, what she says and does. Most importantly the amount of care she shows for her husband. I had a rough upbringing and it made me a strong person. So the fact that my mother shows me no type of love really does not phase me anymore. She has put me through hell this year from having no place to sleep to blaming me for every little money problem she has. So when she says things like you put your friends before family they're not going to do anything for you, I pay no mind because she puts her husband before me so she is no different from me. My father put himself before any of us. He never really cared about how his children would be affected by his drinking, or his violent ways. Now that my mother has left him, he needs us. Its funny how life works. Every time I speak to him he reminds me of how much he loves me, now he loves me. Is that how love works? When someone is not around anymore you remember that you love them... My parents showed me love. Maybe tough love. They showed me love in the worst ways because now I can't say I love them. I can't say I love you to them because I don't mean it....Nurture

She tells me "that's my pride and joy." I can tell by the look in her eyes that she loves her daughter with all her heart. She looks out for her daughter, never wanting her to be taken advantage of, never wanting her to feel pain. Through it all she loves her daughter more and more everyday. There is nothing that she would not do for her. Every chance she gets she tells her that she loves her and that she is proud of her no matter what happens she never fails on being the shoulder to cry on and her rock. I smile, it gives me hope. I've been around these two people so much, they have taught me about love without saying one word to me about it.... The love of a mother

The display of love on myspace, in away messages, the stories people tell... Is it really love? Not everything is material, physical or sexual. When I hear people my age speak of love it all seems very selfish to me. They buy their boyfriend or girlfriend something and they tell everyone about it and feel good about themselves. That is what their love consist of and it's a little sickening. Love should not hold any price. These people who claim they are in love often speak of how the other makes them feel and what that person does for them and that is what they call love. The sexual acts that each perform for each other the fact that they even have sex is what they call love. To them the fact that the other makes them feel good about themselves is love to them. They use the word love for every new person they let into their life.. it makes you really wonder what is love? The attention that one person gives you, the excitement of a couple of weeks. What happens when all the excitement is gone, is there still going to be love? Or is it time to find a new love. Maybe its all the same... the minds of immaturity

I see all this and just question myself about who I have said I love you to. I say I love you to some of my friends. Often to those who need to be loved. I don't know if it's wrong but I say it because they deserved to be loved for who they are and I love who they are as people. Everyone has something to offer to the world whether they realize it or not. All those friends that I have told I will always be there by there side no matter what I have been there for. The best thing anyone can offer is love for another not for themselves. I put my own troubles aside and am there for any of my friends. Even if my mother is right and they won't ever be there for me I really don't care. I know that everyone needs someone from time to time and I offer my love as a friend and am there for them. One of the best thing to experience in life is the love shared between friends, someone that is not family. You never know how your words can impact another persons life, the fact that you care for someone else might be the only thing they need to get by or change their way of thinking. And when I have fallen in love I fell in love with the person within, who they are through the good and bad. Regardless of the flaws each may claim to have I look past them, and give them the best love I can give because that is what they deserve.... outcome of Nature