Victim Of A Foolish Heart

Everyday, I tried, I faught, my heart cried for a keeper. There was never a belief in a word I said, never a belief in my heart, in my love. I see everything replay in my head and I can't believe that everything is now nothing. It was all a lie, you lied when you said you believed, I lied to myself when I thought we could make it. I sit, holding myself... I miss you. I miss being in the presence of what I thought love was. In my eyes I saw hope, a change. I was mislead, I was fooled, all because I refused to let myself down. Your voice no longer eases my mind and allows me to sleep at night, it leaves me wondering what I did wrong this time. Nothing is the same anymore. It is all too familiar to go unrecognized. I know these actions to well for me to not know what is ahead. I'm already in pain, the heartache is already eating me away. I dont know how I feel anymore, if I'm angry its with myself for allowing myself such pain in such short time. There is no answer to my questions but to never go through this again. You give your best and it goes unacknowledged. I faught everyday to show you that I was willing, that I would be able to love you, love you in every way, during your worst and your best but it was never enough. There was nothing I wouldn't do to keep you smiling. I told you to take my heart, take me as a broken child with no way, and together we could make our path, now with my head down, I walk with a heavy heart, and no one to hold my hand. My promises were never enough, I promised you with intentions of showing you what you deserved and still you asked me of your past and asked to be loved. I looked into your eyes begging to be given the chance and my cry went on.... But I still stayed. I became foolish, forgive my heart, for it knew no good and was looking for a ray of hope. I'm sorry that I fell in love with you, in fact I am not sorry because now I know, I know that when a heart is broken the best cure is pain, that's why I failed. I'm sorry for myself, because I was fooled. Foolish me, for giving you my everything....
It kills me the way I fight hard to show you that you can look past all the pain you have suffered but what you notice is every other thing that went wrong in the past. You have held on to all your sorrows and taken it out on me and now I can't take it anymore...
And now that you say I am pushing you away, know that you pushed me away first, you gave my love a blind eye and now its gone, everything has died...


Although I was foolish, I still wish you the best and may the right person love you and you don't let him out of your sight.....

Pillow Talk

"You are the calm in the storm when life seems strange..."

Last night or should I say most of this morning... I spent it speaking to a person I never would have seen myself saying more then just hi and bye to, one of the most intriguing conversations I've had in a very long time. At first I was not sure of where the conversation would go but as we began to speak and share stories it seemed as though I was at peace for a moment. Through all the drama, pain and frustrations that I was enduring I found someone who could bring a smile to my face without even noticing. I've learned that it's the people you're least expecting to affect you that change your life.
As the night went on we spoke of many things, thoughts and ideas most people won't even open their minds to. I came to realize that just like me and probably many others, we all look for someone that we can be honest with. Everyone is insecure in one way or another but what we fail to realize is that their is no reason to be insecure. We'll come across a person or if we're lucky a couple of people who will look past your insecurities. Those insecurities that you believe are flaws and everyone notices, but the only person that notices is you. There are people who find the natural beauty in you, they allow you to glow and make you feel as though you are worthy of the best and that's exactly what that person will give you if you just allow them to. The problem is we are all convinced that no one can tell us we are beautiful and mean it.
Sometimes I wish I could change the way people look at themselves, the people you believe should be at peace and content with who they are, their looks, and most of all their heart are really just lost. The most beautiful people are always the least convinced and she is not. This one conversation made me realize the truth of many girls. We all search for the beauty in ourselves but we never see that it's not that hard to find. The look in your eyes, your smile and your heart are all beautiful. If you don't notice it then believe me when I say it. You are beautiful, you don't have to try very hard, your beauty reflects on every picture and every word you say. Your words made me smile...
You have given me hope in a way that one day you'll notice... let's just hope you stick around

a thought for you...

I read this quote today it said "find someone that can make you smile and don't give up on them..." When I was done reading it I smiled. I smiled because the first and only person I thought of was you. I thought of you for many reasons... some I don't even know how to explain. I always like seeing you smile, you once lived by the saying smile its free... Now it seems as though a smile has a price for you. You have lost sight of the simple things that can bring a smile to that beautiful face. I've known you for a couple years, I knew you before this change. You seem so unhappy. Now your smiles can longer hide your unhappiness. Sometimes I wonder if its just me that notices... you're pain and sorrows can't be hidden anymore. I've tried to help you as much as I can. It seems as though my love for you has gone silent. As much as I care for you I can no longer be by your side. I have always kept my promise to be there for you... listen to your every word, good or bad, whether you spoke of pain or happiness I was there. Gave you the best love I could have offered you as a friend. Seems like it wasn't enough. Your last words to me will not be forgotten. You made me realize how much people can change and not even know it. You may be going through a phase right now or just don't realize what's in front of you. I just hope you find yourself again... soon. This is my last advice to you, love yourself. You have to love yourself first before anyone else. Take pride in who you are and don't let anyone break you. I don't want you to end up lonely and I don't want to leave you alone but it's all for the best. You have pushed me to the furthest spot and it has hurt me more than you know. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe you are happy. I guess I'll never know. All I know is that through all this I have cared, I cared more than anyone has. I have tolerated when I didn't have to but I did. All this because I love, I love and never stop loving. So it was near impossible to leave you alone. But now I have realized you don't need me. So towards the end of the day I thought of that quote again and this time I thought of myself. I never give up on people who make me smile, I never gave up on you. So maybe one day you can make me smile again. Till then I wish you the best in every way possible. I'll Always Love You....

The Beginning...

So when I started this whole blogging thing I was a little miserable.. I just wanted to write about random things I felt. It usually consisted of feelings I couldn't hold in and had to write about whenever I couldn't sleep. I haven't written in a while mostly because I haven't been in the mood of sharing feelings.
I wanna see this as a new approach. Tomorrow is my last day as a High School student. I'm leaving A. Philip Randolph... my home for 4 years. Their are many memories I take with me.. bad, good, funny. I feel as if I'm leaving myself behind. This a new chapter that I'm starting in life and although I am scared of this new beginning, I am anxious to see what the future holds. I don't know how it will affect me. I hope in learning a new way of living.. Independence, Maturity. I don't know what I want out of this experience but I do know that my future starts as soon as my first day of class starts and right now that's the most important thing.
This is where I'll start.. the night before my last day as a Senior....