Changes

Okay so I made a new blog, I'm not posting anything here anymore here's my new blog in case you wanna follow: http://astrangesight.blogspot.com/

The Heart's Cry

The night was silent.

Goosebumps from the cold of my heart

Thoughts running through my head

Images of you never seem to fade

The words you said never seem to go away

Wishing for just one night

Just to embrace you, embrace your love

then it's that pain...

Breathe.

Let the knot in my chest ease

Then I spoke these words to the night:

I know this will never be

It's for the best

But it's a dark picture without you

A stray light shines showing you'll be fine

So will I...

You have to know it was real; the love I spoke

In love I gave you my best

Pain for you I don't want to exist

So I'll turn around and never look back

Wishing to the moon that my love dies

My heart can't take not having you...

As the night died

I spoke the colors of my soul, listening to the music of my heart

Crying tears of sorrow until the birds sang

I can't even write anymore, I'll be silent. There are just some words you'll never know

Not a resolution a misson

I'm tryna make a happy post.

Oh em Gee 2010 is here =O

-___- niggas dont care on my side

I'm tryna figure out where the free worlds at... but I'm a little scared.

The system is rigged. They painted a picture for us, they told us how to live, what to believe and what not to and like fools we followed. I'm not tryna be a rebel I'm just tryna live. I dont wanna be fooled by everyone. Oh and I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. Everything is sort of just scrambled in my brain =/ sucks major penis. But yea and about my heart... -__- bad habits, I need to let them go.

P.S thanks to the friends I have now... I hope ya stick by me

Wait

Hold on life

I don't know what to do anymore. My vision is blurry and all I need is a guide. Please help me before I lose sight.

My heart can't love anymore and it was the only thing I knew. Feeling lonely as ever and I don't even care. Letting people go because I rather be alone then disappoint them time and time again. They say they believe in me but how long before they give up, before I give up.

All I'm asking for is a sign, before its too late, a chance... for a better life. Please

Nicole

No One to Convince

Someone said "The perception of beauty is a moral test..."

It's different, when I see the beauty in others, then I look at myself...

beauty plays out differently.

I listen to them, I look into their eyes; into their souls.. I see the real them...

Me... I just see what everyone else first sees and its ugly

Pictures from days ago, the times when I was okay.

I'm living as if I can never face the mirrors, living by what society views as perfect.

Pretty? To me, you are, I'm just living in their shadows, wishing sometimes things were different. But why isn't my inner beauty enough.. because the program says first impressions are key. Money controls everything for most and those who see beyond that never see me.

I cant even go on anymore because I make myself sick... I choose not to feed into peoples bullshit but every time I look in that mirror everything goes wrong and I die inside...

Signing off

Seriously, What is wrong with me?

I feel like I've put myself in a position where I'm just prone to loneliness.

every night I analyze my life and everything I do wrong and things

that happen to me that give me reason for the lack of happiness in my life and its never clear. I honestly feel like I should just shut everyone out and what's meant to be will be because I am tired of fighting and I no longer believe in it. I'm leaving everyone alone I am so sick of searching for an answer when I dont even know what the real question is.

I've decided to take a different path in life, I know no one will understand and that is

perfectly fine. I need to do some soul searching because as much as I want to be successful in life I just dont want to waste my time in school studying things I dont have interest in. I wish I knew

what to do with my life right now but everything is scattering in my mind. I wish things were easier but then I'd be asking for too much. I just wish there were different signs as to what I need to do.

As of right now nothing is right and it kills me, I wish there were atleast

one stable aspect in my life right now that was just there and I felt good about it but no everything is just wrong. And I hate that no one understands me but the thing is I just dont let anyone in enough to even try... I dont even have an interest in being with people anymore cuz everyone is just so blind. So I settle for less and I dont even care cuz I never give anyone all of me. I dont know how I destroyed myself in a year without a care in the world... this is me signing off to the world until I find myself...

All I Want

On my way back up to school I was thinking.. am I really that bad of a person

I dont know whats wrong...

I don't feel like I use to, I don't you love you like I use to

The one person I actually found that I felt could make me happy I cant have...

I completely understand and that is why I'm going to eventually let go

But damn... I know I come off as a bad person with the way I have dealt with other people, I just did it for the best of me because I did not want to get caught up

I just don't want to be lonely anymore

I have felt so unloved for so long that now it seems as though I can never have it again

I honestly feel like I'm just going to end up alone or maybe its Karma

How can I feel so empty right now... I have learned to love myself regardless of what others may say and still I feel incomplete and unworthy of anything

Am I honestly a joke or some type of fool

I guess its just me and my expectations or other peoples expectations

Is it bad to just want an ounce of happiness, someone to make me smile, someone to come home to... someone to love

I'm asking for too much right...

Fatal Attraction

"I feel you in my heart and I dont even know you..."

Its not like it happened out of no where... it's sort of like I always knew...

The way you spoke, the way you carried yourself, it always caught my attention.

The days that turned into weeks which turned into months where we wouldnt speak drove me crazy. You were always a constant thought in my head, always wondering how you were feeling, what you were doing... If I even crossed your mind.

How is all this possible? I constantly ask myself that.

From the first time we actually spoke I felt so drawn to you...

You had this impact on me like no other, and I couldnt forget you. I smiled with thoughts

of you in my head, your smile, how it drives me to seconds of happiness. All it took was

one day by your side... I witnessed beauty in the simplest form.

I was aiming to have you smiling from beginning to end but you did it to me instead

Looking into your eyes... I felt captured

thats when I knew I was in the wrong and now to get out will take so much of

whatever is left of me...It still doesnt stop me from wondering about

how it would feel to hold you at night how it would feel to

to caress your face and softly kiss you, watch you smile as I look into your eyes

hear you giggle when I call you beautiful, and maybe never having to hide myself from you...

thats where the story begins and ends in my thoughts, until they die

then I'm back to the shadows behind a wall with no cracks or windows...

Average

I dont go by the rules...

No white picket fence, no two kids and a dog, no house with blue shutters and a red door. I rather live in a one room apartment by myself with just two windows that look over the darkest alleys of the city. Many of you dont understand the person I am and thats okay because at this point I have learned to live with that. It may seem like I dont have my head on straight and that obviously shows that you know nothing. I am different in every aspect from the way I think to the way I love and the means of my hate.

I make a lot of mistakes in my life but I do not regret because at one point in my life I wanted it. I do analyze my life late at night when I can't sleep and wonder why certain things happen. I drink, I smoke and yes I enjoy it but I do not hate that I do it or want to quit. I like doing those things for fun and because I sometimes need a break from the stress life brings and that allows me to forget, although its temporary it helps me. Its not a weak thing for me to do because I do it for specific reason and when all is done I can breathe easier.

When I love someone whether its a friend or specific person I love with my soul not just my heart. I try and be the best friend I can, I give them the best of me not the side I show everyone else. Take it for granted if you want, push me to the side or leave me alone, I could care less after that point. I showed people more than once the things I am worthy of and what I can offer if its something you don't understand then we cant be in each others lives. I'll speak the truth because I care if you cant speak the truth to me what good is that?

I don't want to be another statistic in ANYONES eyes. Not society, the government, my friends, my so called family. I know what I have to do and although its not very clear to anyone that I do take my life serious I do. I have seen too many things and heard too many stories to allow myself to destroy my life. It may not happen in 2 years or 10 but I know that I will not be the average and I will go beyond my potential. Anyone can have plenty of reason to say I may never come around and that is perfectly fine but when I'm done I'll just smile at you and turn my back. I allow myself to feel lonely because Success is a SOLO mission. I am much to use to being alone so forgive me for pushing anyone away. If you dont understand I dont expect you to because I'm not average. So if you left me because you believe I have learn a little and grow up fast in this dying world you can stay far from me because you obviously expect something different from me.

I'll take my two or three friends everyone else doesn't matter, you put me as the past and I promise I'll remain that way.

I don't need a mansion two cars and a whole bunch of unnecessary money in the bank, when you're gone no one will remember you. Paper and pen, I'll create words that will live on forever and so will I. trust me I'm not the average girl.

You have to do stuff that average people dont understand because those are the only good things - Andy Warhol

Hate

I hate that you have this control over me
I have a concern over everything you do, every step you take, every person you talk to
As much as I try not to care about you I still do, I hate it
I care about your worst and best days even though neither one has to deal with me
I hate that you broke my heart and you still don't know it
How can I be in love with a person who has hurt me for so long
I hate that everytime you call I smile uncontrollably and everytime I miss your call I hope you answer mine
I hate that I'm so in love with you, as much as I try and convince myself to move on I can't
I hate myself... for letting you be the only person on my mind when I want happiness
I hate every drunken memory of you
I hate knowing one day you'll find someone and they'll be you're everything and that person won't be me and I'll just be happy for you
I hate that you're so beautiful and you don't even know it
I hate that I can't even hate you
Hate me and let me go.. I can't take this anymore...

Honest Words

Where to start, broken hearted to begin
I sing the music of honest bird
I waited for you to come around
Every moment hurt me more
I was bitter, and I am till this day
My heart knows no different... I just cant help it
I moved my feelings to the back of my mind but it always comes back
My heart is weak so I speak when it cries
Never knew I could endure so much at one time
I try to breathe easy... instead I tremble with every breath
Longing to see what the future brings, when will they see
I've been torn apart but its all my fault
Caring and loving people with possessed hearts
Everything is in the pit of my heart, I'm just waiting for them to escape
Now that you are gone I hope you are happy, and I wish you love.. real love
Everything has its time, my time has started and ended plenty of times
Moving on is hard to say and even worse to do
I'll lie and say I'm gone but my heart will always stay
Until the day it is ready to love again...
I am ashamed but no one is to blame
I'll pick up my head and run into the shadows where no one knows of me
There is nothing I can say to you, but goodbye.
I'm far now and no I won't go back this time not to either one
I've grown tired and I need to gain back my strength
Strong I'll remain and my pride is just as strong
But my heart needs a change
So now I'll smile and say there'll be better days...

Heart Of The Matter

there's no original video to this song but I'm in love with this song...

Tonight

I woke up tonight
Not from a dream but I woke up to life, now I just have to find myself. I don't know who I am.
I woke up in a cold world where most actions are selfish, people don't know how to grow out of their poor state of mind. They live in the past constantly and stay in childish ways. I need to be the person that learns and leaves cuz the person I was dug in old trash and never buried the past....

Nico

SCCC

Its been about 3 weeks since I have been out here.
Its been a good experience so far, I've realized some stuff. Yes in every college there is drinking smoking and partying... But the people you meet are more important. People forget that this is the next step to the rest of your life. Not everyone is just about getting high and drunk. I do my share of all this but at the end of the day I know I have to wake up the next morning and be ready for my classes. The work is no joke. I left the city feeling real lonely, feeling like the only reason I left for school was because I had no other choice. As the days pass I realize more things about myself, I've made a lot of mistakes this past year. I have tried to make understanding of all the things I chose to do and it was just stupidity.
I gained some people back in my life and I'm content with it =]. I don't feel pain anymore I just feel grateful. I don't need the world, I just need myself. Ok maybe I need some other people in my life but thats another story. I just started school there's still a whole year ahead of me I just hope I enjoy and make the best of this experience and opportunity...

P.S
I still miss Randolph some days... but only cuz I cant see some of my people
I'll be back tho =]

at a loss for words

i no longer have inspirtations
and no one reads this shit
so im off.. until maybe i have something interesting to say

Call

Where is the person that said they would always be there. I'm about to leave and I feel so lonely. I really just realized I have no one. I need someone to save me from my misery. I try and be happy but it does not seem to play in the cards for me. I dont know what to do anymore. Im tired of believing in people and having so much hope. I just wish I had someone again.

college in 5 days
dont even care anymore

Sober Mornings

All day I sit and think of everything you have put me through. I never had you not one day. I never felt you. I gave you my all. Tears, sweat, pain, my heart. And never did I feel you the way I wanted to. I always had doubt. The terrible pain in my stomach of disgust. I knew it was not true no matter how hard I tried to convince myself. Maybe I just have the wrong idea from you, maybe I'm not right.

But as I think of all I've given to you I drink until I just forget and everything is a big joke. I joke of the idea of you and how much you have betrayed me. The way you make me feel when at my best and the way make me feel when I'm at my worst. You're the worst type of high because when you are taken away from me I don't know how to function. So many times that I have given in to you and it just ends me in the same place... disaster. So I drink and think of it as a joke and I don't care at that moment because all you have brought me is pain and this liquor is the cure to my heartaches. I do and say what ever I want because it should not matter anymore...

The next morning I wake up with a terrible headache but the pain in my heart hurts more. Everything comes back, like it never left. I remember more and more and all that this drunk night has given me is a day of pain. This day after, all I do is lay and know how I will never forget you, because now that I have tried time and time again you will never leave. I know you oh too well, you have taken the best of me.

I wrote you this in hopes that I can move on from this phase. Maybe one day I can see you better but right now all I'm doing is destroying myself...

So goodbye Love, please find someone else...

Its Been A Year

Yesterday was a pretty good day, I woke up early and I felt very energized. I had a date at 2pm at BBQ's with a "friend". She's about 2o years older than me but I really like speaking to her because she always tells me about her experiences relating to what I am going through. I can speak to her with out her treating me as if I am too young to have a serious conversation. I feel good when I speak to her because its like a whole lot just comes out so easily and she corrects me if I am wrong and just supports me. She inspires me to be a better and stronger woman. She is very independent and sometimes I hope that I can be as strong willed and dominant as she is. I like the bond we have for so many reasons but most of all it is because she does not treat me like a child, she tells me about her life just as much as I tell her about my life. And although I only get these dates once a year its good enough for me because I know she will never forget me and I will never forget her. She has helped me a lot and I appreciate her more than she may know. I felt so fat after that burger. I dont think I would have even got up if it was not for her having somewhere to be. It was a good date and when we departed she told me to always keep in contact and that she loves me =]. When she said it I honestly felt like she meant it and I felt really good. She made my day. I don't think anyone has meant it as much as she did when she said it not even my own mother. I am forever grateful to have her in my life.

Well on my way home it started kicking in the "itis". I was getting so tired and I felt like I gained 10 pounds. Unfortunately I missed the grand "show" but it was corny so I did not miss much. The grub was well worth missing that corny act. I tried to speak to my tinkle monkey for as long as possible because I knew I was bound to fall asleep. But as soon as I hit my sisters bed with that AC blasted I was gone. But of course no one lets me sleep in this house they woke me up to find the chinese food menu -____- now these people I swear act like they are incapable of searching for things I swear. Of course I got up and found it and I went back to bed and called my huney and then I ate AGAIN! Some chicken wings with fries and lots of hot sauce. Then I fell asleep once again and woke up to put my mama to sleep and now I'm here. Hoping to get sleep and fall asleep at a decent time which never happens. So I listen to music till I fall asleep.

Current Playlist:
Hello - Beyonce
Broken Heart Girl - Beyonce
All I Want - Ahn Trio
Boston - Augustana
Hometown Glory - Adele
Lust For Life -Drake
Successful - Drake
I Need Her In My Arms - I Wayne
Who Am I To Say - Hope
The Heart Of The Matter - India Arie
No One Else - Amel Larrieux

Just a little something
night =]
Nico

Need to Get Out

I was looking through some shit. And just thinking all this is so stupid.

No matter what you do you are going to be surrounded by the same bullshit and most of the time its because people want to. I know who I want in my life and who I don't but the thing is sometimes the bullshit and other people that come with them I don't want. I have realized that if I just stay in the same place I'm just going to continue killing myself over the same dumb ass drama. I need to grow out of this childish phase and gain a better mentality on this thing called my life. Its all about my decisions and I feel like the best thing to do is get away. Get far and let loose of all things that I know I can no longer control. Nothing is going right for me at all. So I have made my decision. I'm going to go off to college and see where that goes. Then I'll go somewhere else and build a different life hopefully see myself in a better life and things will get better. For now I'll lay low and see what else life can hand to me.

Nico

So now I read...

Today was one of the most relaxing days I've had in a very long time

although I ended the night with so many thoughts in my head I felt relaxed

I started reading this book named the Time Travelers Wife... Oh man talk about a love story. I was interrupted by my mother so I continued to read while bathing in a tub full of hot water and bath oils.... Sounds so cornybut it was the best remedy for relaxing.

I have about 18-20 days left and I am a little anxious I'm not quite sure when I should leave but I know it's soon. I just want to figure things out. I know that if I'm gone and I come back and nothing has changed then I should just let everything go. If things change then I guess I'll just adapt to things. I'll see how things play out. For now I'll just wait.

I realized that my life sucks. The only real love I got is from my Chub Chub but that's doing fine... she's my true love =D

Kathlene <3

My Favorite Girl