Wait

Hold on life

I don't know what to do anymore. My vision is blurry and all I need is a guide. Please help me before I lose sight.

My heart can't love anymore and it was the only thing I knew. Feeling lonely as ever and I don't even care. Letting people go because I rather be alone then disappoint them time and time again. They say they believe in me but how long before they give up, before I give up.

All I'm asking for is a sign, before its too late, a chance... for a better life. Please

Nicole

No One to Convince

Someone said "The perception of beauty is a moral test..."

It's different, when I see the beauty in others, then I look at myself...

beauty plays out differently.

I listen to them, I look into their eyes; into their souls.. I see the real them...

Me... I just see what everyone else first sees and its ugly

Pictures from days ago, the times when I was okay.

I'm living as if I can never face the mirrors, living by what society views as perfect.

Pretty? To me, you are, I'm just living in their shadows, wishing sometimes things were different. But why isn't my inner beauty enough.. because the program says first impressions are key. Money controls everything for most and those who see beyond that never see me.

I cant even go on anymore because I make myself sick... I choose not to feed into peoples bullshit but every time I look in that mirror everything goes wrong and I die inside...

Signing off

Seriously, What is wrong with me?

I feel like I've put myself in a position where I'm just prone to loneliness.

every night I analyze my life and everything I do wrong and things

that happen to me that give me reason for the lack of happiness in my life and its never clear. I honestly feel like I should just shut everyone out and what's meant to be will be because I am tired of fighting and I no longer believe in it. I'm leaving everyone alone I am so sick of searching for an answer when I dont even know what the real question is.

I've decided to take a different path in life, I know no one will understand and that is

perfectly fine. I need to do some soul searching because as much as I want to be successful in life I just dont want to waste my time in school studying things I dont have interest in. I wish I knew

what to do with my life right now but everything is scattering in my mind. I wish things were easier but then I'd be asking for too much. I just wish there were different signs as to what I need to do.

As of right now nothing is right and it kills me, I wish there were atleast

one stable aspect in my life right now that was just there and I felt good about it but no everything is just wrong. And I hate that no one understands me but the thing is I just dont let anyone in enough to even try... I dont even have an interest in being with people anymore cuz everyone is just so blind. So I settle for less and I dont even care cuz I never give anyone all of me. I dont know how I destroyed myself in a year without a care in the world... this is me signing off to the world until I find myself...

All I Want

On my way back up to school I was thinking.. am I really that bad of a person

I dont know whats wrong...

I don't feel like I use to, I don't you love you like I use to

The one person I actually found that I felt could make me happy I cant have...

I completely understand and that is why I'm going to eventually let go

But damn... I know I come off as a bad person with the way I have dealt with other people, I just did it for the best of me because I did not want to get caught up

I just don't want to be lonely anymore

I have felt so unloved for so long that now it seems as though I can never have it again

I honestly feel like I'm just going to end up alone or maybe its Karma

How can I feel so empty right now... I have learned to love myself regardless of what others may say and still I feel incomplete and unworthy of anything

Am I honestly a joke or some type of fool

I guess its just me and my expectations or other peoples expectations

Is it bad to just want an ounce of happiness, someone to make me smile, someone to come home to... someone to love

I'm asking for too much right...

Fatal Attraction

"I feel you in my heart and I dont even know you..."

Its not like it happened out of no where... it's sort of like I always knew...

The way you spoke, the way you carried yourself, it always caught my attention.

The days that turned into weeks which turned into months where we wouldnt speak drove me crazy. You were always a constant thought in my head, always wondering how you were feeling, what you were doing... If I even crossed your mind.

How is all this possible? I constantly ask myself that.

From the first time we actually spoke I felt so drawn to you...

You had this impact on me like no other, and I couldnt forget you. I smiled with thoughts

of you in my head, your smile, how it drives me to seconds of happiness. All it took was

one day by your side... I witnessed beauty in the simplest form.

I was aiming to have you smiling from beginning to end but you did it to me instead

Looking into your eyes... I felt captured

thats when I knew I was in the wrong and now to get out will take so much of

whatever is left of me...It still doesnt stop me from wondering about

how it would feel to hold you at night how it would feel to

to caress your face and softly kiss you, watch you smile as I look into your eyes

hear you giggle when I call you beautiful, and maybe never having to hide myself from you...

thats where the story begins and ends in my thoughts, until they die

then I'm back to the shadows behind a wall with no cracks or windows...

Average

I dont go by the rules...

No white picket fence, no two kids and a dog, no house with blue shutters and a red door. I rather live in a one room apartment by myself with just two windows that look over the darkest alleys of the city. Many of you dont understand the person I am and thats okay because at this point I have learned to live with that. It may seem like I dont have my head on straight and that obviously shows that you know nothing. I am different in every aspect from the way I think to the way I love and the means of my hate.

I make a lot of mistakes in my life but I do not regret because at one point in my life I wanted it. I do analyze my life late at night when I can't sleep and wonder why certain things happen. I drink, I smoke and yes I enjoy it but I do not hate that I do it or want to quit. I like doing those things for fun and because I sometimes need a break from the stress life brings and that allows me to forget, although its temporary it helps me. Its not a weak thing for me to do because I do it for specific reason and when all is done I can breathe easier.

When I love someone whether its a friend or specific person I love with my soul not just my heart. I try and be the best friend I can, I give them the best of me not the side I show everyone else. Take it for granted if you want, push me to the side or leave me alone, I could care less after that point. I showed people more than once the things I am worthy of and what I can offer if its something you don't understand then we cant be in each others lives. I'll speak the truth because I care if you cant speak the truth to me what good is that?

I don't want to be another statistic in ANYONES eyes. Not society, the government, my friends, my so called family. I know what I have to do and although its not very clear to anyone that I do take my life serious I do. I have seen too many things and heard too many stories to allow myself to destroy my life. It may not happen in 2 years or 10 but I know that I will not be the average and I will go beyond my potential. Anyone can have plenty of reason to say I may never come around and that is perfectly fine but when I'm done I'll just smile at you and turn my back. I allow myself to feel lonely because Success is a SOLO mission. I am much to use to being alone so forgive me for pushing anyone away. If you dont understand I dont expect you to because I'm not average. So if you left me because you believe I have learn a little and grow up fast in this dying world you can stay far from me because you obviously expect something different from me.

I'll take my two or three friends everyone else doesn't matter, you put me as the past and I promise I'll remain that way.

I don't need a mansion two cars and a whole bunch of unnecessary money in the bank, when you're gone no one will remember you. Paper and pen, I'll create words that will live on forever and so will I. trust me I'm not the average girl.

You have to do stuff that average people dont understand because those are the only good things - Andy Warhol

Hate

I hate that you have this control over me
I have a concern over everything you do, every step you take, every person you talk to
As much as I try not to care about you I still do, I hate it
I care about your worst and best days even though neither one has to deal with me
I hate that you broke my heart and you still don't know it
How can I be in love with a person who has hurt me for so long
I hate that everytime you call I smile uncontrollably and everytime I miss your call I hope you answer mine
I hate that I'm so in love with you, as much as I try and convince myself to move on I can't
I hate myself... for letting you be the only person on my mind when I want happiness
I hate every drunken memory of you
I hate knowing one day you'll find someone and they'll be you're everything and that person won't be me and I'll just be happy for you
I hate that you're so beautiful and you don't even know it
I hate that I can't even hate you
Hate me and let me go.. I can't take this anymore...

Honest Words

Where to start, broken hearted to begin
I sing the music of honest bird
I waited for you to come around
Every moment hurt me more
I was bitter, and I am till this day
My heart knows no different... I just cant help it
I moved my feelings to the back of my mind but it always comes back
My heart is weak so I speak when it cries
Never knew I could endure so much at one time
I try to breathe easy... instead I tremble with every breath
Longing to see what the future brings, when will they see
I've been torn apart but its all my fault
Caring and loving people with possessed hearts
Everything is in the pit of my heart, I'm just waiting for them to escape
Now that you are gone I hope you are happy, and I wish you love.. real love
Everything has its time, my time has started and ended plenty of times
Moving on is hard to say and even worse to do
I'll lie and say I'm gone but my heart will always stay
Until the day it is ready to love again...
I am ashamed but no one is to blame
I'll pick up my head and run into the shadows where no one knows of me
There is nothing I can say to you, but goodbye.
I'm far now and no I won't go back this time not to either one
I've grown tired and I need to gain back my strength
Strong I'll remain and my pride is just as strong
But my heart needs a change
So now I'll smile and say there'll be better days...

Heart Of The Matter

there's no original video to this song but I'm in love with this song...

Tonight

I woke up tonight
Not from a dream but I woke up to life, now I just have to find myself. I don't know who I am.
I woke up in a cold world where most actions are selfish, people don't know how to grow out of their poor state of mind. They live in the past constantly and stay in childish ways. I need to be the person that learns and leaves cuz the person I was dug in old trash and never buried the past....

Nico

SCCC

Its been about 3 weeks since I have been out here.
Its been a good experience so far, I've realized some stuff. Yes in every college there is drinking smoking and partying... But the people you meet are more important. People forget that this is the next step to the rest of your life. Not everyone is just about getting high and drunk. I do my share of all this but at the end of the day I know I have to wake up the next morning and be ready for my classes. The work is no joke. I left the city feeling real lonely, feeling like the only reason I left for school was because I had no other choice. As the days pass I realize more things about myself, I've made a lot of mistakes this past year. I have tried to make understanding of all the things I chose to do and it was just stupidity.
I gained some people back in my life and I'm content with it =]. I don't feel pain anymore I just feel grateful. I don't need the world, I just need myself. Ok maybe I need some other people in my life but thats another story. I just started school there's still a whole year ahead of me I just hope I enjoy and make the best of this experience and opportunity...

P.S
I still miss Randolph some days... but only cuz I cant see some of my people
I'll be back tho =]

at a loss for words

i no longer have inspirtations
and no one reads this shit
so im off.. until maybe i have something interesting to say

Call

Where is the person that said they would always be there. I'm about to leave and I feel so lonely. I really just realized I have no one. I need someone to save me from my misery. I try and be happy but it does not seem to play in the cards for me. I dont know what to do anymore. Im tired of believing in people and having so much hope. I just wish I had someone again.

college in 5 days
dont even care anymore

Sober Mornings

All day I sit and think of everything you have put me through. I never had you not one day. I never felt you. I gave you my all. Tears, sweat, pain, my heart. And never did I feel you the way I wanted to. I always had doubt. The terrible pain in my stomach of disgust. I knew it was not true no matter how hard I tried to convince myself. Maybe I just have the wrong idea from you, maybe I'm not right.

But as I think of all I've given to you I drink until I just forget and everything is a big joke. I joke of the idea of you and how much you have betrayed me. The way you make me feel when at my best and the way make me feel when I'm at my worst. You're the worst type of high because when you are taken away from me I don't know how to function. So many times that I have given in to you and it just ends me in the same place... disaster. So I drink and think of it as a joke and I don't care at that moment because all you have brought me is pain and this liquor is the cure to my heartaches. I do and say what ever I want because it should not matter anymore...

The next morning I wake up with a terrible headache but the pain in my heart hurts more. Everything comes back, like it never left. I remember more and more and all that this drunk night has given me is a day of pain. This day after, all I do is lay and know how I will never forget you, because now that I have tried time and time again you will never leave. I know you oh too well, you have taken the best of me.

I wrote you this in hopes that I can move on from this phase. Maybe one day I can see you better but right now all I'm doing is destroying myself...

So goodbye Love, please find someone else...

Its Been A Year

Yesterday was a pretty good day, I woke up early and I felt very energized. I had a date at 2pm at BBQ's with a "friend". She's about 2o years older than me but I really like speaking to her because she always tells me about her experiences relating to what I am going through. I can speak to her with out her treating me as if I am too young to have a serious conversation. I feel good when I speak to her because its like a whole lot just comes out so easily and she corrects me if I am wrong and just supports me. She inspires me to be a better and stronger woman. She is very independent and sometimes I hope that I can be as strong willed and dominant as she is. I like the bond we have for so many reasons but most of all it is because she does not treat me like a child, she tells me about her life just as much as I tell her about my life. And although I only get these dates once a year its good enough for me because I know she will never forget me and I will never forget her. She has helped me a lot and I appreciate her more than she may know. I felt so fat after that burger. I dont think I would have even got up if it was not for her having somewhere to be. It was a good date and when we departed she told me to always keep in contact and that she loves me =]. When she said it I honestly felt like she meant it and I felt really good. She made my day. I don't think anyone has meant it as much as she did when she said it not even my own mother. I am forever grateful to have her in my life.

Well on my way home it started kicking in the "itis". I was getting so tired and I felt like I gained 10 pounds. Unfortunately I missed the grand "show" but it was corny so I did not miss much. The grub was well worth missing that corny act. I tried to speak to my tinkle monkey for as long as possible because I knew I was bound to fall asleep. But as soon as I hit my sisters bed with that AC blasted I was gone. But of course no one lets me sleep in this house they woke me up to find the chinese food menu -____- now these people I swear act like they are incapable of searching for things I swear. Of course I got up and found it and I went back to bed and called my huney and then I ate AGAIN! Some chicken wings with fries and lots of hot sauce. Then I fell asleep once again and woke up to put my mama to sleep and now I'm here. Hoping to get sleep and fall asleep at a decent time which never happens. So I listen to music till I fall asleep.

Current Playlist:
Hello - Beyonce
Broken Heart Girl - Beyonce
All I Want - Ahn Trio
Boston - Augustana
Hometown Glory - Adele
Lust For Life -Drake
Successful - Drake
I Need Her In My Arms - I Wayne
Who Am I To Say - Hope
The Heart Of The Matter - India Arie
No One Else - Amel Larrieux

Just a little something
night =]
Nico

Need to Get Out

I was looking through some shit. And just thinking all this is so stupid.

No matter what you do you are going to be surrounded by the same bullshit and most of the time its because people want to. I know who I want in my life and who I don't but the thing is sometimes the bullshit and other people that come with them I don't want. I have realized that if I just stay in the same place I'm just going to continue killing myself over the same dumb ass drama. I need to grow out of this childish phase and gain a better mentality on this thing called my life. Its all about my decisions and I feel like the best thing to do is get away. Get far and let loose of all things that I know I can no longer control. Nothing is going right for me at all. So I have made my decision. I'm going to go off to college and see where that goes. Then I'll go somewhere else and build a different life hopefully see myself in a better life and things will get better. For now I'll lay low and see what else life can hand to me.

Nico

So now I read...

Today was one of the most relaxing days I've had in a very long time

although I ended the night with so many thoughts in my head I felt relaxed

I started reading this book named the Time Travelers Wife... Oh man talk about a love story. I was interrupted by my mother so I continued to read while bathing in a tub full of hot water and bath oils.... Sounds so cornybut it was the best remedy for relaxing.

I have about 18-20 days left and I am a little anxious I'm not quite sure when I should leave but I know it's soon. I just want to figure things out. I know that if I'm gone and I come back and nothing has changed then I should just let everything go. If things change then I guess I'll just adapt to things. I'll see how things play out. For now I'll just wait.

I realized that my life sucks. The only real love I got is from my Chub Chub but that's doing fine... she's my true love =D

Kathlene <3

My Favorite Girl

In My Mind

This is for a little more understanding...

I'm tired, I feel drained from everything that I have put my heart into. I dont care if I have become an insensitive asshole but it is the best way. I am done trying with everyone and to everyone who reads or watches you know nothing. Not even the one person who I have been standing by for these past couple of months understands. This was one of the most difficult years for me and I still stood strong not letting anyones bullshit break me and not letting peoples words get me out of character. I started off the year bad and ended it bad also but it has not made me blind, I am well aware of what is going on and what is real. I stood by the two girls I loved the most this past year and I faught hard to try and show them I would still be there no matter what regardless of the stupidity that drove us apart. For the most part of this past school year I was under the judgement of people who knew absolutely nothing of the on going situation. I held my tongue and stood my ground because I knew that none of it would be worth it at the end of the day. It was all word of mouth and ALL of it was wrong. I did not steal no one from anyone. Blame yourself don't blame me. And all this talk about how much of a bitch I am and all the other shit that came with it is really funny cuz the real bitch was the one running around making scenes trying to convince the world of my wrong doings when it is you who made shit happen. And although all this happened I still never stooped down to anyones level and ran my mouth about your business as an individual or you in a relationship. I will give all of you the benefit of the doubt to say that I was the one that ruined shit and caused all this drama. I can give you that but honestly I dont give a fuck anymore. I have left randolph and just as you asked me I am leaving and not looking back. I can vouch for myself and say that I did like you and went for it because I felt like you deserved better and I could have been the person for you but obviously I wasn't close. In love with me is not the case, never was, never will be. In love with the idea that someone could treat you and make you feel the way I did is what happened. Atleast I know I showed you what you deserve. No one understands why I am the way I am... If you have never believed me when I said I don't care anymore believe me now when I say I don't give a fuck. The fact that people you have been with tell you that you treated them so well and they continue to chase after the person that treated them the worst is something that makes me hurt. Because you realize that you try and try for nothing because they still want the other person. Then the fact that you continue and tell me I want someone to treat me like you do makes me feel stupid cuz its almost like you know that I'm good but you still don't want to be with me... I guess I just need a dick smh... Point is no one understands the amount of pain a person endures when you want something so bad, so much that you fight everyday, give your everything for so long... to just end up with nothing. So its not being negative, its just me being real and not act as if the truth wasn't staring me in the face all this time I was just counting on hope. And as I look back at everything I thought I had something but I never did, not even a little a bit, not at all. Yes there is the fear of love, but it takes more to actually have the courage to love someone then to turn your back and act like love doesn't exist. I know I had what it took to love you, and to treat you well... No I can't take you here and there and I couldn't see you everyday. But my love could've been better than all that. But it just isn't what you or what anyone wants at this age cuz everything else seems much better or easier. As for me I'm done. I am moving on, and although I have been in love twice with girls that will never realize how much I loved them I will not let it kill me. One of you I barley speak to I don't know what will happen after I leave but just know that we went through a lot for these past years... it seems like we faught more for a friendship then we did to make us work. And now its like we faught for a friendship that barely even exist. And to you. All was said last night. "start fresh and don't look back" you I can honestly say took everything out of me. But don't feel bad and please forget me. Don't worry about me. I'll be gone before you know it and you won't have to worry about hearing about me again. I ment wat I said when I said I didnt have you in an any sense [friend,lover] nothing. And you can take it as you want. I know you won't understand, atleast not now.
In my mind I wish I could stop loving...
But my heart won't let me...

Home

Not here, not where I am use to

Somewhere that I can rest my head in silence

No words racing through my head

Where the memories no longer exist...

Where the words of ignorance and immature minds can no longer reach me

A warm place... a warm place at heart for just me because there is no one else

Where the shallow walls know of nothing but love and pride

Where no one knows of me but me

A place of calm

No worries of wandering eyes and ears

My escape...

Where I can cry real tears and no longer hold back so the rest of the world wont hear me

And even if I stay up all night while the whole world sleeps I can do it alone
and I can day dream of the past with no interruptions

But not here

Not where everyone can hear if one tear drops

Not where they can see the pain and misery you are going through

Not where even if you were to ask for love they'll turn their backs

Not where every little thing is a painful memory and there is no escape

But there is no escape..

Until the day I can follow the star on the dark horizon this will be home

Miss

The scent of warm vanilla on your skin
The smile that seems like it almost snuck up on you
Your fascination with nail polish and shoes
Your baby voice... it always made me give in
The warmth of your body
Your gentle touch...
The way you looked into my eyes
Your lips.. the way they felt against mine
Your fingers running through my hair as I laid on your stomach...
Watching you eat
Having you in my arms
Play fighting... and never letting you win
Our endless walks.... because we always got lost
Falling asleep to your voice
Waking up to your voice
Arguing with you, then making up because you're such a punk
That beautiful smile
The way you laugh...
Getting a call from you in the middle of the night
Calling you just to tell you how much I miss you
You digging in my dimple
The way you tried to pick my nose
Endless conversations about the most random things
Telling you how much I love you...

Nature vs. Nurture

I've heard someone say that when a child is born if they are not hugged and kissed, held tight or even sang to, the child grows up not knowing how to love....

I know a few people who long for love and it's because they feel so neglected by the person or people who are suppose to love them unconditionally; their parents. I find it hard to understand how a mother can not show her child that she loves them. Especially knowing that their child depends on them on almost everything. That's where love starts. The love you are shown is the exact love you present to people. I think about my mother often and I try and think back to how she use to treat me as a child or even as I was in junior high school and I really don't remember. I try hard sometimes to think of times when she showed me true affection but not much comes to mind. The only thing I remember is how she treats me now, what she says and does. Most importantly the amount of care she shows for her husband. I had a rough upbringing and it made me a strong person. So the fact that my mother shows me no type of love really does not phase me anymore. She has put me through hell this year from having no place to sleep to blaming me for every little money problem she has. So when she says things like you put your friends before family they're not going to do anything for you, I pay no mind because she puts her husband before me so she is no different from me. My father put himself before any of us. He never really cared about how his children would be affected by his drinking, or his violent ways. Now that my mother has left him, he needs us. Its funny how life works. Every time I speak to him he reminds me of how much he loves me, now he loves me. Is that how love works? When someone is not around anymore you remember that you love them... My parents showed me love. Maybe tough love. They showed me love in the worst ways because now I can't say I love them. I can't say I love you to them because I don't mean it....Nurture

She tells me "that's my pride and joy." I can tell by the look in her eyes that she loves her daughter with all her heart. She looks out for her daughter, never wanting her to be taken advantage of, never wanting her to feel pain. Through it all she loves her daughter more and more everyday. There is nothing that she would not do for her. Every chance she gets she tells her that she loves her and that she is proud of her no matter what happens she never fails on being the shoulder to cry on and her rock. I smile, it gives me hope. I've been around these two people so much, they have taught me about love without saying one word to me about it.... The love of a mother

The display of love on myspace, in away messages, the stories people tell... Is it really love? Not everything is material, physical or sexual. When I hear people my age speak of love it all seems very selfish to me. They buy their boyfriend or girlfriend something and they tell everyone about it and feel good about themselves. That is what their love consist of and it's a little sickening. Love should not hold any price. These people who claim they are in love often speak of how the other makes them feel and what that person does for them and that is what they call love. The sexual acts that each perform for each other the fact that they even have sex is what they call love. To them the fact that the other makes them feel good about themselves is love to them. They use the word love for every new person they let into their life.. it makes you really wonder what is love? The attention that one person gives you, the excitement of a couple of weeks. What happens when all the excitement is gone, is there still going to be love? Or is it time to find a new love. Maybe its all the same... the minds of immaturity

I see all this and just question myself about who I have said I love you to. I say I love you to some of my friends. Often to those who need to be loved. I don't know if it's wrong but I say it because they deserved to be loved for who they are and I love who they are as people. Everyone has something to offer to the world whether they realize it or not. All those friends that I have told I will always be there by there side no matter what I have been there for. The best thing anyone can offer is love for another not for themselves. I put my own troubles aside and am there for any of my friends. Even if my mother is right and they won't ever be there for me I really don't care. I know that everyone needs someone from time to time and I offer my love as a friend and am there for them. One of the best thing to experience in life is the love shared between friends, someone that is not family. You never know how your words can impact another persons life, the fact that you care for someone else might be the only thing they need to get by or change their way of thinking. And when I have fallen in love I fell in love with the person within, who they are through the good and bad. Regardless of the flaws each may claim to have I look past them, and give them the best love I can give because that is what they deserve.... outcome of Nature

Victim Of A Foolish Heart

Everyday, I tried, I faught, my heart cried for a keeper. There was never a belief in a word I said, never a belief in my heart, in my love. I see everything replay in my head and I can't believe that everything is now nothing. It was all a lie, you lied when you said you believed, I lied to myself when I thought we could make it. I sit, holding myself... I miss you. I miss being in the presence of what I thought love was. In my eyes I saw hope, a change. I was mislead, I was fooled, all because I refused to let myself down. Your voice no longer eases my mind and allows me to sleep at night, it leaves me wondering what I did wrong this time. Nothing is the same anymore. It is all too familiar to go unrecognized. I know these actions to well for me to not know what is ahead. I'm already in pain, the heartache is already eating me away. I dont know how I feel anymore, if I'm angry its with myself for allowing myself such pain in such short time. There is no answer to my questions but to never go through this again. You give your best and it goes unacknowledged. I faught everyday to show you that I was willing, that I would be able to love you, love you in every way, during your worst and your best but it was never enough. There was nothing I wouldn't do to keep you smiling. I told you to take my heart, take me as a broken child with no way, and together we could make our path, now with my head down, I walk with a heavy heart, and no one to hold my hand. My promises were never enough, I promised you with intentions of showing you what you deserved and still you asked me of your past and asked to be loved. I looked into your eyes begging to be given the chance and my cry went on.... But I still stayed. I became foolish, forgive my heart, for it knew no good and was looking for a ray of hope. I'm sorry that I fell in love with you, in fact I am not sorry because now I know, I know that when a heart is broken the best cure is pain, that's why I failed. I'm sorry for myself, because I was fooled. Foolish me, for giving you my everything....
It kills me the way I fight hard to show you that you can look past all the pain you have suffered but what you notice is every other thing that went wrong in the past. You have held on to all your sorrows and taken it out on me and now I can't take it anymore...
And now that you say I am pushing you away, know that you pushed me away first, you gave my love a blind eye and now its gone, everything has died...


Although I was foolish, I still wish you the best and may the right person love you and you don't let him out of your sight.....

Pillow Talk

"You are the calm in the storm when life seems strange..."

Last night or should I say most of this morning... I spent it speaking to a person I never would have seen myself saying more then just hi and bye to, one of the most intriguing conversations I've had in a very long time. At first I was not sure of where the conversation would go but as we began to speak and share stories it seemed as though I was at peace for a moment. Through all the drama, pain and frustrations that I was enduring I found someone who could bring a smile to my face without even noticing. I've learned that it's the people you're least expecting to affect you that change your life.
As the night went on we spoke of many things, thoughts and ideas most people won't even open their minds to. I came to realize that just like me and probably many others, we all look for someone that we can be honest with. Everyone is insecure in one way or another but what we fail to realize is that their is no reason to be insecure. We'll come across a person or if we're lucky a couple of people who will look past your insecurities. Those insecurities that you believe are flaws and everyone notices, but the only person that notices is you. There are people who find the natural beauty in you, they allow you to glow and make you feel as though you are worthy of the best and that's exactly what that person will give you if you just allow them to. The problem is we are all convinced that no one can tell us we are beautiful and mean it.
Sometimes I wish I could change the way people look at themselves, the people you believe should be at peace and content with who they are, their looks, and most of all their heart are really just lost. The most beautiful people are always the least convinced and she is not. This one conversation made me realize the truth of many girls. We all search for the beauty in ourselves but we never see that it's not that hard to find. The look in your eyes, your smile and your heart are all beautiful. If you don't notice it then believe me when I say it. You are beautiful, you don't have to try very hard, your beauty reflects on every picture and every word you say. Your words made me smile...
You have given me hope in a way that one day you'll notice... let's just hope you stick around

a thought for you...

I read this quote today it said "find someone that can make you smile and don't give up on them..." When I was done reading it I smiled. I smiled because the first and only person I thought of was you. I thought of you for many reasons... some I don't even know how to explain. I always like seeing you smile, you once lived by the saying smile its free... Now it seems as though a smile has a price for you. You have lost sight of the simple things that can bring a smile to that beautiful face. I've known you for a couple years, I knew you before this change. You seem so unhappy. Now your smiles can longer hide your unhappiness. Sometimes I wonder if its just me that notices... you're pain and sorrows can't be hidden anymore. I've tried to help you as much as I can. It seems as though my love for you has gone silent. As much as I care for you I can no longer be by your side. I have always kept my promise to be there for you... listen to your every word, good or bad, whether you spoke of pain or happiness I was there. Gave you the best love I could have offered you as a friend. Seems like it wasn't enough. Your last words to me will not be forgotten. You made me realize how much people can change and not even know it. You may be going through a phase right now or just don't realize what's in front of you. I just hope you find yourself again... soon. This is my last advice to you, love yourself. You have to love yourself first before anyone else. Take pride in who you are and don't let anyone break you. I don't want you to end up lonely and I don't want to leave you alone but it's all for the best. You have pushed me to the furthest spot and it has hurt me more than you know. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe you are happy. I guess I'll never know. All I know is that through all this I have cared, I cared more than anyone has. I have tolerated when I didn't have to but I did. All this because I love, I love and never stop loving. So it was near impossible to leave you alone. But now I have realized you don't need me. So towards the end of the day I thought of that quote again and this time I thought of myself. I never give up on people who make me smile, I never gave up on you. So maybe one day you can make me smile again. Till then I wish you the best in every way possible. I'll Always Love You....

The Beginning...

So when I started this whole blogging thing I was a little miserable.. I just wanted to write about random things I felt. It usually consisted of feelings I couldn't hold in and had to write about whenever I couldn't sleep. I haven't written in a while mostly because I haven't been in the mood of sharing feelings.
I wanna see this as a new approach. Tomorrow is my last day as a High School student. I'm leaving A. Philip Randolph... my home for 4 years. Their are many memories I take with me.. bad, good, funny. I feel as if I'm leaving myself behind. This a new chapter that I'm starting in life and although I am scared of this new beginning, I am anxious to see what the future holds. I don't know how it will affect me. I hope in learning a new way of living.. Independence, Maturity. I don't know what I want out of this experience but I do know that my future starts as soon as my first day of class starts and right now that's the most important thing.
This is where I'll start.. the night before my last day as a Senior....

Hello, Goodbye

Well a little recap of 2008
If I remember correctly the year started off a little rocky, but it got better and I met this guy whom later became my bestfriend. I must say that everything really does happen for a reason because as I recall I use to dread 7th period because I was one of the very very few Juniors who had lunch that period but I met someone. He became a large part of my life, I was really glad to have him around. Just as I was glad to have her around. But things change I lost him as quick as I got close to him. I take responsibility for losing him and her but I am no longer letting it get the best of me. Only thing is losing the two most important people to you hurts more especially when they grow closer once you're out of the picture. But he is one person I must say has left an impact. For that I say thank you....

I ended the year growing closer to some friends, and making a couple new ones. But most of all I ended the year finding myself. I'm a new person, I haven't quite gotten to who I really want to be. But I feel like I know who I am so far and I know what I am about. About getting my priorities straight ehhh I'm almost there.

This year I really hope in just living. I've held myself back for awhile, stressing, being miserable, I'm tired of that scene. Its my last couple months in high school and I wanna enjoy it. No, I am sorry but I am not dying to get out of RANDOLPH, I actually want to enjoy these days. Not so much the classes or that principle but things like those teachers that do or say the most ridiculous things in class that everyone remembers more than the lessons or lunchroom discussions or scenes, after school events. Things that you will always remember....

I wanna say that this year I'm going to live above the influence but I don't know how that's going to work out. I think I like the feeling too much to be sort of giving it up right now. Its not something I do all the time but its ummm, well I like the high -_- can you blame me??!!


I don't expect much to happen this year, neither am I planning for anything to happen. I'm just going to let things flow, I'll plan the important things the rest I leave alone. I'm not making any promises, but to live. And I honestly hope to keep some people around me, not let them drift so far away.

Hello 2009 =]